Introversion · Lifestyle

Save Yourself

[“Save Yourself” – Kaleo]

Last night, I lived the dream of every introvert. I had an entire row of seats to myself for the majority of a concert. Five whole seats, my bag and jacket had a seat. I had three more seats that were just… There, should I happen to need them. I didn’t have to get up every time someone had to pee. I could sit on the aisle and not awkwardly in the middle, rubbing elbows with strangers. I had a great view over the rail. Life was GOOD.

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Anxiety and Depression · Self Improvement · Silliness

Glorious You

[“Glorious You” – Frank Turner]

Surprisingly enough, I did not start out an avid reader. Many people would be shocked to learn that I initially hated reading because I was quite slow to learn and, to be honest, I don’t deal well with being bad at something I have worked so hard to master. The first books I read and truly enjoyed were from a series, by Gerald Morris, about King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table (fantastic “YA” books, still very accessible to regular ole’ “A”s). These books, plus my Navy Brat upbringing, helped create a solid belief system based around the importance and necessity of armor; of personal protection from the things that wish to do you harm.

As we know, life quite frequently seeks to do us harm. Coping mechanisms, sarcasm, and a solid concept of self worth are our mental versions of armor; but there’s nothing wrong with decking yourself out in physical representations of your strength, when necessity demands it.  Continue reading “Glorious You”

Anxiety and Depression · Self Improvement

Whatever Forever

[“Whatever Forever” – The Mowgli’s]

As I believe is made evident by my writing here—sharing my hurts and feelings—I am a fairly open person. In fact, I believe openness and the ability to empathize are my two best personality traits. That being said, I also am a bundle of flaws who realizes that perfection is an aspirational state of being, not a reality. Therefore, I pride myself on being an incredibly forgiving person who understands that flaws are inherent and can sometimes come out, despite best efforts. This combination of beliefs means that I rarely hold real grudges and therefore I hold no real regrets. I thoroughly believe that everything is a learning experience and I can rationalize myself out of most anger. Actually being angry makes me feel nauseous, like my body is literally trying to physically reject the emotional experience. I may become frustrated easily on occasion but I let it go just as quickly. I try, adamantly, to go with the flow and spread good vibes in my wake.  Continue reading “Whatever Forever”

Relationships · Self Improvement

I Believe in a Thing Called Love

[Theme song for this post*: “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” – The Darkness]

Despite my current trials and tribulations, I continue to believe in the importance and necessity of love. As my cat has just proven, love, unconditional love, is about forgiveness (he needed a bath… It was not fun for either of us, but we are good now because I fed him afterward).

Because of my current struggles, I have had friends ask if it’s too painful for them to talk to me about the good things happening in their lives, particularly all of the ways in which their love lives are thriving. I want to make something clear to the world: just because the playground bully that is life has turned me upside down by my ankles and shaken me until all of my personal and private pocket-dwelling things have been exposed to the public eye, does not mean that I want it to do the same to anyone else. I wouldn’t wish these thoughts, feelings, and experiences on my worst enemy. I want everyone I know to be as happy as they can possibly be because it’s times like this that serve as a reminder that the good times don’t always last. At the risk of being too sappy and cliche, we should appreciate the crap out of the good times because sometimes they get taken away for no damn good reason… And in those moments it’s the good things you have to hold onto in your memory, just to get you through.

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Relationships · Thoughts

Thank You All…

I thought, when posting recently about the birth of this writing outlet, on my personal Facebook page, that it would maybe garner some small interest from those who have been emotionally invested in the situation following “The Day”… No offense to any of you, but I never expected the outpouring of love and support I have received across platforms. I know all of you are wonderful and supportive people, but what’s one more sob story in a world experiencing so many right now? I am overwhelmed and cannot thank you enough for your compassion. Each kind word has greatly helped silence the little destructive bastards who have taken up residence in my chest (and brain) and I am eternally grateful to call you friends (yes, even the family members are friends, it’s an important distinction).

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Relationships · Self Improvement

Retaking my World

So… the first thing I have had to address in using my personal stitch cutter to delicately separate my life from the one I had aligned myself with over the past decade is establishing the things over which I have a full hold and vested interest, and which ones I need to either dismiss or reclaim based on the one-third of my life which is now, for lack of a better term, of the very aggressively and decided past. For example, I want to reclaim Iceland, the place of our honeymoon, because it was actually a transformative experience for me personally. It was the first time, in years, that I felt like a normal person because I had finally taken control of my mental health and decided to begin a regime of medication. So, Iceland was a world and experience lived in color again… a world which, despite my best efforts previously, had finally regained some scope and depth, one in which I could actually feel hope and happiness rather than trying to make myself rationally reach those outcomes through aggressive mental calisthenics. I associate this amazing change with one of the most important events a couple can experience, a celebration of “the happiest day” a couple will plan and execute. I assume you see the conundrum? Yes, I did something for the betterment of my relationship (not being depressed as all hell) but it was also for me that I made that change. That is how I now need to approach every thing that has become an aspect of my life because of the influence of that *other* person I, apparently mistakenly, chose to call my love.

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