As I believe is made evident by my writing here—sharing my hurts and feelings—I am a fairly open person. In fact, I believe openness and the ability to empathize are my two best personality traits. That being said, I also am a bundle of flaws who realizes that perfection is an aspirational state of being, not a reality. Therefore, I pride myself on being an incredibly forgiving person who understands that flaws are inherent and can sometimes come out, despite best efforts. This combination of beliefs means that I rarely hold real grudges and therefore I hold no real regrets. I thoroughly believe that everything is a learning experience and I can rationalize myself out of most anger. Actually being angry makes me feel nauseous, like my body is literally trying to physically reject the emotional experience. I may become frustrated easily on occasion but I let it go just as quickly. I try, adamantly, to go with the flow and spread good vibes in my wake. Continue reading “Whatever Forever”
Despite my current trials and tribulations, I continue to believe in the importance and necessity of love. As my cat has just proven, love, unconditional love, is about forgiveness (he needed a bath… It was not fun for either of us, but we are good now because I fed him afterward).
Because of my current struggles, I have had friends ask if it’s too painful for them to talk to me about the good things happening in their lives, particularly all of the ways in which their love lives are thriving. I want to make something clear to the world: just because the playground bully that is life has turned me upside down by my ankles and shaken me until all of my personal and private pocket-dwelling things have been exposed to the public eye, does not mean that I want it to do the same to anyone else. I wouldn’t wish these thoughts, feelings, and experiences on my worst enemy. I want everyone I know to be as happy as they can possibly be because it’s times like this that serve as a reminder that the good times don’t always last. At the risk of being too sappy and cliche, we should appreciate the crap out of the good times because sometimes they get taken away for no damn good reason… And in those moments it’s the good things you have to hold onto in your memory, just to get you through.
Continue reading “I Believe in a Thing Called Love”
This is a song for anyone with a broken heart
This is a song for anyone who can’t get out of bed
I’ll do anything to be happy
Oh, ’cause blue skies are coming
But I know that it’s hard
–Noah and the Whale
I’d recommend hitting play on some of these videos as you work your way through this post. These songs, among many others, have been another of the anchoring truths I have clung to during this time of, shall we say, transition. Those of you who know me well, will not be surprised by how much music has meant to me over the past two months. Music, regardless of the situation, is vital to me… But I find in times of strife it can be one of the most effective catalysts toward healing.
Continue reading “Music Therapy”
So… the first thing I have had to address in using my personal stitch cutter to delicately separate my life from the one I had aligned myself with over the past decade is establishing the things over which I have a full hold and vested interest, and which ones I need to either dismiss or reclaim based on the one-third of my life which is now, for lack of a better term, of the very aggressively and decided past. For example, I want to reclaim Iceland, the place of our honeymoon, because it was actually a transformative experience for me personally. It was the first time, in years, that I felt like a normal person because I had finally taken control of my mental health and decided to begin a regime of medication. So, Iceland was a world and experience lived in color again… a world which, despite my best efforts previously, had finally regained some scope and depth, one in which I could actually feel hope and happiness rather than trying to make myself rationally reach those outcomes through aggressive mental calisthenics. I associate this amazing change with one of the most important events a couple can experience, a celebration of “the happiest day” a couple will plan and execute. I assume you see the conundrum? Yes, I did something for the betterment of my relationship (not being depressed as all hell) but it was also for me that I made that change. That is how I now need to approach every thing that has become an aspect of my life because of the influence of that *other* person I, apparently mistakenly, chose to call my love.
Continue reading “Retaking my World”
I have of late, (but wherefore I know not) lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercises; and indeed, it goes so heavily with my disposition; that this goodly frame the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy the air, look you, this brave o’er hanging firmament, this majestic roof, fretted with golden fire: why, it appears no other thing to me, than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors. What a piece of work is man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculty, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god, the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals. And yet to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me; no, nor woman neither; though by your smiling you seem to say so.
– William Shakespeare (Hamlet: Act 2, Scene 2)
Insomnia has plagued me for the better part of two months now. It was something I struggled with before, but the day my life changed… that day definitely has been weighing on me… causing many a sleepless night and multiple instances of beautifully bruised and puffy eyes from lack of sleep and a maybe a few leaked tears. Hell, I am not too proud to admit that. Which is why I think it’s appropriate that I am keying this, my inaugural post, in the quiet time just before dawn. Even now, my lovable douche bag of a cat is fixing me with some serious side eye from his curled position at the foot of my bed because I have the audacity of interrupting his 18th hour of sleep for the day… though I guess we are technically in a new day so the tally has reset and I am ruining his stats. My bad, little dude (don’t worry, this post is about your namesake, so it’s still all about you).
But I digress…
Continue reading “Entering Act 2, Scene 2 (of Life):”