The Heart is a Muscle

“The Heart is a Muscle” – Gang of Youths

Hello friends, and greetings from the Philadelphia airport.

It’s been six months since I last wrote.

Six whole months.

Half a year…

You may not have missed me (*sniff* I understand), but I have. I can’t explain it other than to say that my soul has felt void of verbal potential. I’ve had trouble filling a page in a DIARY. And the more I put off trying, the harder it’s become. So I am hoping this post will be some sort of proverbial band aid rip. Painful but necessary.

All Will Be Well

[“All Will Be Well” – Gabe Dixon Band]

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I feel as though I can be comfortable with the expectations I have set for myself this year. Last year didn’t kill me, so if that is my base line, I at least know I can survive this one given nothing actually, physically, disastrous happens (I am currently knocking on every form of wood I can reach). I have said the purpose of life is to survive it, but that was admittedly during one of my darker moments. Right now, I can see with the foggy realization, the general though occasionally begrudging acceptance that despite the difficulty, the purpose of life is to live it—with some damn VIGOR where possible.

The tragedies of last year are of the past, I am clinging to them as a bad dream, lest I forget all together, but I now intend to live with some kind of intention after a really rough six months (at least, you know, until all the enthusiasm wears off and everyone leaves the gym again—kidding, mostly). It was all a bad dream (sorry for bastardizing the words, Biggie), it’s now time to wake up.

The Wrote and the Writ

[“The Wrote and the Writ” – Johnny Flynn]

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It’s been a while since I posted. While life, uh, finds a way… Life also, uh, gets in the way (most of the time in the best possible way!). I’m not going to apologize for having one. Besides, this is my therapy and I’ll write if I want to (don’t take my words as too defiant, I missed being here)!

Save Yourself

[“Save Yourself” – Kaleo]

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Last night, I lived the dream of every introvert. I had an entire row of seats to myself for the majority of a concert. Five whole seats, my bag and jacket had a seat. I had three more seats that were just… There, should I happen to need them. I didn’t have to get up every time someone had to pee. I could sit on the aisle and not awkwardly in the middle, rubbing elbows with strangers. I had a great view over the rail. Life was GOOD.

You Raise Me Up

[Theme song for this post: “You Raise Me Up” – Josh Groban]

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“Here’s to strong women. May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them.”

I’d like to dedicate this to my Grammy, and to my mom… Two of the many women who have made my world vibrant. My life would be lacking if it weren’t for the vital truths they have instilled in me and the wonderful memories they have given me. 

Last week, well, it just wasn’t great… My grandmother fell and broke her hip (after fracturing her spine in December), my dad was in the second of two car accidents for the month (he is fine, and he wasn’t at fault—either time—but still), and finally, my wallet was stolen out of my office on Friday. FROM MY OFFICE of all places, not even while I was out and about doing something FUN. So, while intermittently texting my mom funny yet encouraging cat gifs and videos of laughing babies, to get her through nights spent in the hospital with my grandmother, I openly reflected with her that it would be awesome if the universe would do our family a solid and cut us some slack for about two seconds. Ah, but I dream. As one of my colleagues noted today, I am clearly winning the year 2017.

Entering Act 2, Scene 2 (of Life):

I have of late, (but wherefore I know not) lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercises; and indeed, it goes so heavily with my disposition; that this goodly frame the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy the air, look you, this brave o’er hanging firmament, this majestic roof, fretted with golden fire: why, it appears no other thing to me, than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors. What a piece of work is man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculty, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god, the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals. And yet to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me; no, nor woman neither; though by your smiling you seem to say so.

– William Shakespeare (Hamlet: Act 2, Scene 2)

Insomnia has plagued me for the better part of two months now. It was something I struggled with before, but the day my life changed… that day definitely has been weighing on me… causing many a sleepless night and multiple instances of beautifully bruised and puffy eyes from lack of sleep and a maybe a few leaked tears. Hell, I am not too proud to admit that. Which is why I think it’s appropriate that I am keying this, my inaugural post, in the quiet time just before dawn. Even now, my lovable douche bag of a cat is fixing me with some serious side eye from his curled position at the foot of my bed because I have the audacity of interrupting his 18th hour of sleep for the day… though I guess we are technically in a new day so the tally has reset and I am ruining his stats. My bad, little dude (don’t worry, this post is about your namesake, so it’s still all about you).

But I digress…