Ruminations as I sit and watch Clue, one of the best movies in the entire world, after having passed out candy to the neighborhood kids. This movie is perfect for Halloween celebrations and an ideal complement to The Addams Family, which I watched earlier this week. Now I just need to watch Young Frankenstein and I am set!
Tonight, I am Louise Belcher. Continue reading “I Put a Spell on You”
I think I discovered this poem at exactly the right time: Continue reading “Is it Ever Gonna Be Easy?”
Last night, I lived the dream of every introvert. I had an entire row of seats to myself for the majority of a concert. Five whole seats, my bag and jacket had a seat. I had three more seats that were just… There, should I happen to need them. I didn’t have to get up every time someone had to pee. I could sit on the aisle and not awkwardly in the middle, rubbing elbows with strangers. I had a great view over the rail. Life was GOOD.
Continue reading “Save Yourself”
Don’t Worry, I Won’t Be Long…
Today is our wedding anniversary. Were it not for yesterday marking three months since our separation, we would have been married two years as of today. What is three months? Long enough, apparently, for an individual world to toss about like a boat in a tempest and still not find equilibrium. Three months is a quarter of a year, one eighth of my marriage. We were together for seven years, friends for three longer than that. Three months may seem like nothing until you factor in the finality… The fact that each day adds to a week, each week adds to a month, and each month leads to a year. In three more months, it will be six, half a year… The thing that was my whole world is just gone, it’s an ineffable feeling to conceptualize. I am astonished by how seemingly slowly time passes, until it’s of the past and then I wonder where it’s gone.
Because of this anniversary, everything is shades of blue today. Not happy, periwinkle blue or deep, lusty cobalt… the blue of haze and sadness. It’s not even a good, thematic blue that complements the musical genre. Or an adorable dog from a children’s show. This blue is dull and characterless. Unfortunately, though, its lack of character is still all encompassing and eye catching in its grungy hue. It has stained my world and made it dingy – incapable of any sparkle (not the pansy vampire kind). Worst of all, this blue has a liquid quality, leaking through the cracks around each door I try to close in an attempt to hold it off. Continue reading “Exeunt/Stay With Me Baby”
[“Hold On” – Green Sky Bluegrass]
“I know everything for all that I know,
But there’s always two sides to the way both of the stories go.
Sometimes things better left unspoken,
Should be shouted, written down, and quoted.”
I am a superfluously apologetic person, I always have been. I apologize for things that don’t really require it, feelings I have that I am entirely entitled to, even the actions and hurts of others. I think it comes along with anxiety that, at a point, I feel like a burden on the world and so I have always been one to apologize if anything around me is going wrong because I take it on myself, I internalize it, and assume it is a reflection on me.
Someone is unhappy? Obviously I am not doing my job to make them happy.
Someone stubbed their toe? Why didn’t I have the forethought to move that box to a more convenient location? Even though the box was not mine to move.
Why can’t I tell the future and change the past?
Continue reading “Hold On”
Surprisingly enough, I did not start out an avid reader. Many people would be shocked to learn that I initially hated reading because I was quite slow to learn and, to be honest, I don’t deal well with being bad at something I have worked so hard to master. The first books I read and truly enjoyed were from a series, by Gerald Morris, about King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table (fantastic “YA” books, still very accessible to regular ole’ “A”s). These books, plus my Navy Brat upbringing, helped create a solid belief system based around the importance and necessity of armor; of personal protection from the things that wish to do you harm.
As we know, life quite frequently seeks to do us harm. Coping mechanisms, sarcasm, and a solid concept of self worth are our mental versions of armor; but there’s nothing wrong with decking yourself out in physical representations of your strength, when necessity demands it. Continue reading “Glorious You”
As I believe is made evident by my writing here—sharing my hurts and feelings—I am a fairly open person. In fact, I believe openness and the ability to empathize are my two best personality traits. That being said, I also am a bundle of flaws who realizes that perfection is an aspirational state of being, not a reality. Therefore, I pride myself on being an incredibly forgiving person who understands that flaws are inherent and can sometimes come out, despite best efforts. This combination of beliefs means that I rarely hold real grudges and therefore I hold no real regrets. I thoroughly believe that everything is a learning experience and I can rationalize myself out of most anger. Actually being angry makes me feel nauseous, like my body is literally trying to physically reject the emotional experience. I may become frustrated easily on occasion but I let it go just as quickly. I try, adamantly, to go with the flow and spread good vibes in my wake. Continue reading “Whatever Forever”
[Theme song for this post: “You Raise Me Up” – Josh Groban]
“Here’s to strong women. May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them.”
I’d like to dedicate this to my Grammy, and to my mom… Two of the many women who have made my world vibrant. My life would be lacking if it weren’t for the vital truths they have instilled in me and the wonderful memories they have given me.
Last week, well, it just wasn’t great… My grandmother fell and broke her hip (after fracturing her spine in December), my dad was in the second of two car accidents for the month (he is fine, and he wasn’t at fault—either time—but still), and finally, my wallet was stolen out of my office on Friday. FROM MY OFFICE of all places, not even while I was out and about doing something FUN. So, while intermittently texting my mom funny yet encouraging cat gifs and videos of laughing babies, to get her through nights spent in the hospital with my grandmother, I openly reflected with her that it would be awesome if the universe would do our family a solid and cut us some slack for about two seconds. Ah, but I dream. As one of my colleagues noted today, I am clearly winning the year 2017. Continue reading “You Raise Me Up”
[Theme song for this post: “Broken Bones and Pocket Change” – St. Paul and the Broken Bones]
Young Love has made me old,
Tired, restless, and blue…
I’m not going to lie. This bravery thing isn’t for wimps (and I am speaking as a newly recovering wimp). It hurts and it’s hard and quite frankly, lately, I am struggling. Specifically today. I am not struggling for any particular reason, nothing monumental happened, nothing has changed. It’s just… There. I’d love for someone to swoop in and just erase it all because I hurt in every corner of my soul and today I am having less success being optimistic than I have in the recent past.
The thing is, I don’t want to have to be brave. I want to be happy… And if not happy, I want to bitch, whine, complain, cry, throw a temper tantrum, scream, cry some more, and hope that some form of the free flowing childishness emanating from my body will take away the deep seated ache—the weight that has been pulling me down to floor level so why the hell shouldn’t I lie there and wallow in it for a bit?
Continue reading “Broken Bones and Pocket Change”
[Theme song for this post: “Spinning” – Jack’s Mannequin]
It’s ridiculous how often I am the Neville Longbottom of this story (though if that means Matthew Lewis wants to chill with me, I would be the last person to complain). I guess it’s appropriate that I went to Chestnut Hill College since we are pretty much only famous for looking like Hogwarts. This operating theory is based, mostly, on the fact that I would literally forget my feet if I didn’t need them to walk away from the other things I am likely forgetting. I have lists upon lists to get myself through the day. I make lists of the lists I need to make. I schedule time, on my calendar, for the making of all of these said lists. I also set alarms to remember that it’s time to take care of the action items that are on the lists. Without these quadruple measures I would literally be lost. I am not even sure that my friends know exactly how scattered I am because I try so desperately hard to appear like an adult who can maintain some kind of organized lifestyle (and let’s face it, if I was supposed to tell them, I probably forgot to put it on the list). And STILL sometimes things fall through the cracks. So, here I am writing it out, for the whole world to see (like the Wicked Witch with her broom stick and sky writing – witchcraft all exists in the same universe right?):
Continue reading “Spinning”