I want to write today. I want to speak my truth. I want to say what I am feeling and thinking. I want to be beautiful and wonderful and have the most intuitive and inspiring things to say. Things that will set the world on fire with a passion for living, loving, and thriving. I want to give to you all something to hold warm and close on this gray, and now seemingly prematurely dark, day because quite frankly I’m struggling to find the happy in today.
Unfortunately for all of us, I will fall short.
I have little to offer today outside of the reassurance that if you are struggling, you are not alone. Tomorrow is a new day and that’s what can make us hopeful.
It’s Not a Reasonable Feeling
This morning, the idea of waking up, despite “falling back” on our clocks, was one I could not have been less enthusiastic about. I rolled myself down the stairs and climbed into our chaise (lovingly referred to as the fainting couch) and curled up with friends, via text, for solace. My lovely birthday boy kitty climbed into my lap and I buried myself in a re-imagined book about Dracula (DRACULA MUSICAL!). By all accounts, I had everything I could need or want. I had my cocktail of curative measures (including my actual medication and a hefty serving of coffee). I even allowed myself a Dr Pepper today. So, why is it that I can’t lift myself out of this funk?
It feels like sometimes, all of my favorite things still don’t amount to enough to keep the little, wriggling, writhing, thoughts of inadequacy and despair at bay.
That’s what I feel. I always ask myself why existence seems like such a burden. My life, in general, despite many stresses, could absolutely be so much worse. Rationally, I know this. I also know that I am a strong and empowered woman who really can’t stand hearing myself whine and complain. I am tired of feeling sad, given my current relationship situation AND the fact that I struggle with depression in general. I am tired of feeling like my situation, my thoughts, my feelings, my general sadness, are a burden on others. I really am a rational human, dammit, so why can’t I do more than simply survive some days?
Depression is Bullshit
It sucks to feel like your brain is actively rebelling against you… Insisting you aren’t enough in any way, shape, or form. It feels like a state of being that no one should exist in. It IS a state of being no one should exist in and yet, unfortunately, we straggling souls number in the many rather than the few. And, to me, the worst part is that what it means to “struggle with depression” is so hard to conceptualize. It feels impossible to explain. It’s not just sadness and it’s not something I can convince myself out of. I struggle to wade through the ridiculous mire of unpleasantness that comes from this state of being. People ask what is wrong and sometimes the only answer is “nothing” because there is nothing I can actually pinpoint, which makes the real answer “everything.”
I guess, at the end of the day, I envy those who manage without this burden, though I also fully realize it just means they struggle with something else. Without the learning experiences I have had from literally lifting myself up by any means possible, I would not be entirely myself. I would be some other Liz. Maybe that Liz would suck. Maybe that Liz would rule the world. I don’t have the luxury of knowing. Despite how much I don’t like being this Liz, just at this very moment, I know I have a good life, and better personality, to move forward with. All I can do is my best. That’s all anyone can do.
The brain knows this to be a fact, the heart just needs some convincing. I know these things to be true, I just need to somehow internalize and actually feel them.
The struggle is real and it is nothing to scoff at. My fellow depressed humans, I feel your pain and know your struggle. Today is not my day because some chemicals in my brain have deemed it so. Shit happens, you gotta push forward as you can.
Revel in the dark so that you can appreciate the light that much more when it chooses to reemerge. I believe in you.
Photo: E. Campbell (2017)