[Theme song for this post: “Spinning” – Jack’s Mannequin]
It’s ridiculous how often I am the Neville Longbottom of this story (though if that means Matthew Lewis wants to chill with me, I would be the last person to complain). I guess it’s appropriate that I went to Chestnut Hill College since we are pretty much only famous for looking like Hogwarts. This operating theory is based, mostly, on the fact that I would literally forget my feet if I didn’t need them to walk away from the other things I am likely forgetting. I have lists upon lists to get myself through the day. I make lists of the lists I need to make. I schedule time, on my calendar, for the making of all of these said lists. I also set alarms to remember that it’s time to take care of the action items that are on the lists. Without these quadruple measures I would literally be lost. I am not even sure that my friends know exactly how scattered I am because I try so desperately hard to appear like an adult who can maintain some kind of organized lifestyle (and let’s face it, if I was supposed to tell them, I probably forgot to put it on the list). And STILL sometimes things fall through the cracks. So, here I am writing it out, for the whole world to see (like the Wicked Witch with her broom stick and sky writing – witchcraft all exists in the same universe right?):
I AM A MESS!
Today is another beautiful example of my ability to forget important things… Though I find myself asking (only when talking to myself, because really, I am too embarrassed to ask other people) how important it is to have properly balanced brain chemicals?
Anyway, as I do maybe once a month (still, after nearly two years) I forgot to take my depression and anxiety medication today. It’s not like it’s something I take every day… You know, something you can form a habit around? I realized as I was sitting at my desk this afternoon. Long after I should have been feeling the pleasant buzz that accompanies the caffeine I allow to enter my body via IV drip each day, a steadily more uncomfortable buzz, more of a sizzle, started somewhere in my chest and began to take over the rest of my body. I felt rising panic tighten my lungs with unnecessary anxiety… Then, the coupe de grâce, it happened. The tell-tale inner turbulence made itself known as my beautiful, and favorite, symptom of withdrawal, vertigo, quite literally swooped in to take over. Fitting in with the theme, a Dementor of epic proportions – ready to make me off-kilter and nauseous… And, also fittingly, this flying douche-bag-in-a-grungy-black-bathrobe brings with it some of the same sense of utter hopelessness as I realize that I actually do still need a tiny, white pill, to help me manage my struggles – even despite my recent victory of rolling back my dosage.*
So, here I sit, waiting for the chemicals to help even me out, cursing my inability to remember the necessities. Like medication that helps me not dwell in a weird, dark, place or freak out with absolutely no provocation. Literally, I am spinning (thanks, Jack, for giving a melody to get dizzy with – instead of jiggy with – I know that was a terrible joke but I have to seek my jollies where I can). Yet, I can remember the most inconsequential of things with the practice and alacrity of an elephant mainlining Five Hour Energy shots (Name of Shakespeare’s wife? Anne Hathaway…. Come on, gimme a hard one!). Utterly disappointing.
This post is not so much about progress as it is about recognizing the importance of knowing and understanding personal faults. More importantly, it’s about understanding that sometimes there’s nothing to be done about them other than deal accordingly. So get over it, you are inherently flawed… Sucks…
But seriously, have you seen my toad?
*I believe healing is holistic and can come from medicine, therapy, nutrition, etc… I am not saying medication is the only thing that will make me feel better and this is not meant to be a treatise on the necessity and effectiveness of medication. I am looking only to express the disappointment I feel having forgotten to take it today. I do not wish to open the medical opinion and theory can of worms.
Photo: E. Campbell (2017)
West Philly, Philadelphia, PA